Realistic Expectations for Care

Your Mom and/or Dad need non-medical care at home….

               Companionship, personal care (bathing, hygiene), cooking, housekeeping, and transportation….

You expect….

               Compassion, caring attitude, professionalism, responsiveness, integrity, reliability, and trust

These are the words you’ll hear as you research the many home care agencies out there.  You may have been referred to these companies by a friend, case worker, social worker, or another professional (attorneys, financial advisors, estate planners) and the trust you have in that source certainly weighs into your decision about care.  Still, how do you make 100% certain Mom/Dad will get the very best care - after all, they’re deserving. 

You’ve had the all-so-important discussions about what Mom/Dad want-right? You’ve talked about the particular aspects of care they will need/want and the traits each of you feels is important in a caregiver — experience, soft-spoken or not, creative, energetic or not, spiritual or not (do they care with heart or is it just a job).    I know when I was looking for care for my parents we developed a list of personality traits that were positives and qualities that were important; a shopping list of sorts along with the tasks, or activities of daily living they would need assistance with.  Beyond their physical needs we were shopping for a caregiving relationship that felt like family. 

I would be the primary caregiver, even though the distance between myself and my parents wouldn’t afford me the role as an on-site caregiver.  And so, the family feel; an ability to communicate frequently, openly and honestly; be patient, understand and support me when my emotions get the better of me; be someone I could trust to respect my parents as they might their own

My parents preferred a family member provide their care.  They wanted to remain connected to their own community of friends and stay in their home.  However, because of my distance away from them, and through our conversations they came to accept that the care they would receive would need to be provided professionally.  With this realization, they began to define their expectations of a caregiver as; kind hearted, not too young (I had to smile), health-conscious but not too much so (Dad likes his meat and potatoes – not so much his vegetables), creative, expressive, and fun-loving, and lastly but most importantly, Dad wanted someone who could keep good conversation with Mom (I think so he didn’t have to).  Wow! How vastly different, yet complimentary these expectations were.  The question now was, does such a person or persons exist?

We stepped out on the limb and hired an agency.  The caregiver assigned to us was sweet, respectful and experienced along with all those words companies use to describe their care, but something we couldn’t quite put our finger on was missing, both for me and my parents.  The agency noted this was one of their very best caregivers although sent another caregiver as we requested.  A perfect match!  After the first week, Mom, Dad and I talked about the differences between the caregivers.  What we agreed on was simply that our new caregiver just ‘got it’.  She wasn’t just going through the motions.  She was getting as much out of the relationship as my parents were.  Her interactions with me and my parents communicated a sincere and fundamental desire to provide care (both visibly and verbally).  In her words, “I’m probably having more fun and learning more about life from your parents as they are from me.  The rest is just stuff I do to keep them comfortable and safe.”

Mom spent the last couple weeks in an end-of-life facility and at my request, this very special caregiver stayed with me through the long, lonely hours, supporting me and without question, sharing the grief of losing a wonderful lady, my Mother and her friend.

Prolonging and Encouraging Independence in Aging Family Members

Independence. As a child we are encouraged; pushed and prodded, to achieve it.  Little by little we step toward independence.  We learn to tie our shoes,  ride a bike, take the bus to school, venture out to the mall with friends, learn to drive and soon we are off to college (if we are lucky).  We marry and our children grow up and are on their own (again, if we are lucky). Then somewhere along the aging process we begin to lose our independence as our adult children and society begin to confiscate our driving privileges, aches and pains limit our activity, mowing the lawn is seen as dangerous, etc. etc. etc.

As adult children we have to admit we recognize our role in the later.  We convince ourselves this is care and that we are only looking out for our parent’s best interests.  All the while we are raising, caring for, our children to be independent.  An interesting dichotomy.

So what is care?  In the context I am speaking of, Merriam Webster identifies care as; concern or tending to somebody or something.  Nothing about independence and yet, in the positive context of raising our children, teaching independence is a large part of the care we provide.  Fast forward to the senior years and the experience is just the opposite; in the interest of safety, independence declines.

As a parent and an adult child, I am no longer teaching independence.  Rather, my role has transitioned to encouraging independence.  Both, for my children and my parents.   I may not be able to return my parent’s to their driving days but I certainly can and will continue to encourage them to be independent and engage in life to their fullest abilities.

Doing the Right Thing for Aging Parents

I happened to be talking with an elderly friend (age 79) of mine just yesterday.  She spoke of moving to a 55+ community as she had taken a few falls lately and needed to leave her home with ‘all those stairs’.  She has lived in her community all her life, yet her children want her closer to them, some 50 miles away.  Away from her friends, her doctors, her weekly card playing and favorite supper club.  She shrugged her shoulders, ‘It’s not my decision’.  My heart sank. 

I am an adult child and family caregiver who stood 24 hour vigil with my parents for 2 years so they could stay in their own home.  Never did it cross my mind to ask my parents to accommodate my needs/wants. 

There are many options available to seniors that will enable them to live the way they want to live. The signs are there. Care is needed.  It’s your Mom and/or Dad. It’s personal.  To them, first.

Opening the discussion is the most difficult, but necessary first step.  They will tell you they are fine – they don’t need help.  They will tell you they don’t want to be a burden.  Consider care a ‘gift’ you give them in whatever form they desire.